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Resilience journey #1 – what we are or who we are?
Let’s start our journey to resilience with the foundations: our identity.
How do we typically define our identity? Where are its roots: is it in the ‘what’ or in the ‘who’?
Are we the ‘what’ we are or are we the ‘who’ we are?
The answer that usually comes up when asked the question “Who are you” is something like: I …
- am a father/mother/single man/woman,
- am a cashier/hairdresser/accountant/CEO/unemployed, and
- have a PhD/haven’t even finished high school/BA/trades.
For more detail we tend to add something like …
I love reading/movies/dancing/tramping/travelling and if we want to be very precise, we talk about our future plans.
We feel content because we thoroughly described ourselves to the questioner. Our roles, our positions, achievements, the direction of our professional journey, maybe even some of our personal details.
So, what we described is what we do. We have successfully defined what we are. But this is not who we are.
This is important because
the roles we fulfil are not anchors that could hold us firmly when life hits.
When we identify ourselves by what we are and what we do, and these get shaken or diminished, what will we do? What can we hang onto? What, or who, will keep us afloat?
We can turn to our friends for support, at least at first.
When people like us for what we are, they don’t like us for who we are, they like what we have.
When we are loved for what we are, where will our friends be when we fall? Who will leave first? And will anyone stay? They love the picture we show of ourselves, not who we really are.
Wait a minute!
Do we show a picture of ourselves?
Yes, we do, all the time. And depending on what this picture is based upon creates a great reflection of how we identify ourselves.
When we look at advertisements, often the main figure is holding a brand new / super / fascinating product and is surrounded by cheering friends.
What does this picture suggest? The friends are fascinated about what that person has. Where can this flow lead us in the unconscious?
If I am going to have the newest / biggest / dearest ‘thing’ my friends are going to surround me, cheer with me, love me. Is this true? Yes, partially it is, they will cheer. However, it is very likely they will cheer for what we have, for what we are – not for who we are.
And at the very moment we need to give up or lose the possession of the ‘thing’ for any reason (lost job, starting a family, health issues) our status in their eyes will more than likely drop. So we will be seen as less desirable, and someone else will turn up with the brand new ‘stuff’ and our friends will cheer for them – not for us.
Why? Because they liked us and connected to us for what we are, or more precisely, for what we used to be.
But why is it so important for us to have all this positive feedback and why does it hurt so much and shake us to the core when these are gone?
When we define ourselves based upon the feedback we get from others, it not only creates a false picture but also a delicate one. Delicate in a way that when our outside supporters (positive feedbacks) are withdrawn we just collapse. There is nothing inside to sustain us. It is false because it is about our ‘what’ not the ‘who’, and when we lose status, we lose the what.
So, what can we do about it?
We must find out who we are.
When we understand our core values and start filtering the world through them, we will find that life can hit us but cannot destroy us.
Bullets still will be fired at us, but we will be able to dodge them: they cannot tear us down by breaking our outside supports, because we have a keel inside.
We have become like a self-righting toy – we are pushed to the ground but bounce back to an upright position. Because now we identify ourselves from the inside out, built on firm ground.
And what about our friends?
Well, we should let go those who left us, and take a look around: there might be a very few who stayed. Who are they?
They are likely to be the ones we have noticed the least; who asked (unpleasant) questions in a very quiet voice – questions which were easy to ignore and dismiss. Their questions made us quite uncomfortable, as they pointed to some of our issues. But why did they stay?
Because
they are the ones who loved us for who we are.
They looked beyond the ‘what’ and saw something in us that was unknown even to ourselves: they saw the hidden treasure in us.
But why then did they ask those painful questions?
Because
a true friend does not say what we want to hear, they say what we need to hear. Even if it hurts.
Who are those friends of yours? And who are you?
Here is my hand.
Here is my hand.
Let’s build resilience!
Resilience is one of the hot topics these days. I have contemplated on this subject and here are some of my thoughts…
I see ‘resilience’ as a continuously developing skill which helps me to survive situations in life and by incorporating these new skills, attitudes, and perspectives acquired through each hardship, I can use them to get through the next one.
Resilience is about the journey, not the destination.
Why do I see resilience as so important? Because living our lives means facing changes and challenges every day.
There are periods when we have the luxury of having to deal with one challenge at a time and have some rest before the next one hits. However, frequently it is about keeping many balls in the air at the same time: facing multifaceted challenges at the same time and we still need to survive somehow.
Moreover, we should not aim only to survive as victors, but end up as conquerors: acquire new territories (of personal development) and use those as well for further (personal) growth.
I have encountered some quite challenging periods in my life. There were some I never thought I would ever survive, still, here I am 😄. These taught me a few important general lessons:
1) Always, there are people in more challenging situations than we are. Focusing on how much easier our situation is for us than theirs is for them, helps us to cope with ours.
2) We are capable of more than we would think. Once we are there we can the find the strength we need to overcome.
3) Perseverance is crucial. There are times we have no idea when the challenge will come to an end. We need to keep on going and fighting until it does.
4) Your challenges are yours. Tailored for you, so no one else can be fully sure what you need to do. Others can have ideas, stretch your thinking, be a support to hang onto but you are the one making your own choices. No one can do it for you.
The world seemingly is changing at an increasing speed. It requires more responses from us in a shorter time, giving less time for decision making. I have written a short series about guidelines I have discovered over the years. These helped me a lot to simplify the way I see life and evaluate my options, therefore quicken my responses.
Some of you may have already come to similar conclusions, or might have never ever thought to consider things from these perspectives – whatever the case is I hope you will read them and find them valuable. Don’t expect boxed-solutions: you need to find your own solutions to your own challenges.
My role is to
- stretch your thinking,
- pull you out of your comfort zone,
- show you things from a different angle and
- lift you up a few levels so you can see your situation from a higher perspective and in a bigger context.
You might agree or disagree with my observations: take it or leave it.
My hope is that by reading through, you will have a chance to take a more in-depth consideration of your options and might find out you have more of them than you first thought. Or you find your real questions: those deep inside of you.
So the answer you find would not be just a band aid but a real treatment of the root problem.
I would like to invite you on a journey to resilience – on a roller coaster.
We will visit the highs and lows of self-awareness and identity, dynamics of personal interactions and conflicts, love and forgiveness. Quite a wide territory, all leading up to how to change and
become an agent of change for the better for others around you.
Are you ready?
Buckle in, put your helmet on, we’re heading off!
Here is my hand.