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remorse has incredible power

💜Let’s talk about remorse. 💜

👀Funny word, isn’t it? 👀

❗️But an important one. ❗️

💞It goes – or I should rather say it should go – hand in hand with an apology. 💞

❤️Remorse means I am sorry for what I have done or what I should have done but failed to do. 💔It requires us to put ourselves into the other person’s perspective. 💗See things from their point of view. 💙To do our best to understand how they feel – how we made them feel. 💘

💕Empathize with them. Acknowledge that we – hopefully unwantedly – hurt them. 💔

☑️No, I did not forget that I also talked a lot about everyone’s being responsible for their own feelings.

💛Still, we can – we should – apologize when we accidentally hurt someone. 💛

🎶I have long wondered about how to reconcile these two seemingly contradictory approaches. 🎶

⁉️I believe the key is humility. Another painful word, I know. ❕

🔎Because when we apologize and show genuine remorse, we humbly acknowledge we did something hurtful. 👑We are lowering ourselves from a pedestal of “I am right” to see and value the differences and incompleteness of others – and of ourselves. 🔍

♥️Remorse means that even if we cannot understand why our actions were hurtful, we take responsibility for them and seek reconciliation. ♥️And it is for the other party to accept it or not. We did our part – if it was genuine. ✔️

❔And why is that important? ❔

⛔️Because a mere “I’m sorry” without remorse is just a string of shallow words. ⛔️

🌒”I’m sorry” without changed behaviour is just a superficial coating on the picture we wish to paint about ourselves to the world. 🌑

💜A true “I’m sorry” carries the power to bring us closer. 💜

Here is my hand.

being brave can be frightening

💜 The idea of being brave and courageous can be frightening. 💙 Why?

💛 Not only because we have to deal with the other person’s response, especially when we are about to say no to someone for the first time. We also need to face and conquer our inner uncertainty. 😱 Because we might feel we do not have the right to say no. 😱

🌜 It might seem like a war on two fronts. 🌛

💥 We not only don’t know how they will react, but we also don’t know how we will respond to their reactions. 🔥

⛄️ Although we can replay the situation a hundred times in our head – which, if we do it right, can eventually help a little – we don’t know how it will turn out until we do it. 💦

✔️ The first time may not be perfect. It probably won’t be. But we dared! 👍

we were brave

While next time, it will be a little easier – at least it won’t be the first time – so we can focus more on the how. What we say, how we say it, what emotions struck us inside and how we can manage those. 🌗

🌝 And over time, with practice, it gets easier. We will get used to different reactions and build up our own toolbox of responses. ☔️

❄️ We will also learn to manage our inner fear of standing up for ourselves. 🌞

💜Believe me or not, it’s scary to stand up for ourselves. Especially when we were taught never to complain, just accept what is and move on. 💛

❤️You know what?

❤️It’s worth it being brave. Because in the end, you learn how to find the ground to ensure that you have a truly free choice. ⁉️

🤗Are you keen to get there?

Here is my hand.

self-care is not egoism

Self-care is not egoism, even if it seems to be. ⁉️

Self-care is a balance between egoism and altruism. 🌞

From an altruist’s point of view, however, both fall into the same category.

❓Why?

Because for an altruist, self-care means not always caring for others. And this is true. What altruists probably do not realize is that not looking after themselves means trading long-term services to others for short-term ones.

‼️We cannot give from what we do not have. Therefore, caring for ourselves – while looking after others, perhaps a little less – is not egoism. It is the way that allows us to serve others for longer, in better physical, emotional, and mental health.


So, focusing on others a little less enables us to focus on them for longer. Therefore,

our self-care means short-term pain and long-term gain for those we serve. 🌞


😥Painful thought? I think it is. It was painful for me too.


I fought it for a long time. But eventually, I had to give in to the logic of self-care.


😱 Does self-care sound scary? Selfish? Disgusting? Does it feel like you’re going against your value of “serving only others until your last breath”?


I have a question for you.


❓Can you serve more if that last breath comes later in life?


Would you consider that thought?


🤗Let’s discuss it and find your way to your own personalized self-care plan!

Here is my hand.

Life coaching 101: Parenting

What parenting has to do with life coaching?
A lot, indeed.
Let’s check out some areas where life coaching can make a difference in your life as a parent.

Personal development

Parenting opens up a whole new universe 😊 Skills we never thought we have we are using, and phrases we swore a thousand times we would never say slip our lips. Yepp. Parenting can be a continuous personal development journey if we are keen. It cannot work without self-awareness and self-reflection. And while we sometimes feel like failures, we can hold on to the journey we have already passed since we have started.

Leadership effectiveness

Parenting might be one of the most challenging leadership roles we ever fill while the most rewarding. Seeing our children navigate life with skills we helped develop can bring tears into our eyes and joy into our hearts. Also, this is the role in which we must learn to manage our emotions,  walking away from emotionally heated arguments, and keep our mouths shut.

Conflict resolution

As our children grow, they are more and more keep testing the boundaries. And each time, we find ourselves in a conflict. How are your conflict resolution skills? What has been your best win-win with them? Which one was that left you with the most horrible feelings? Which one is the one you wish you could travel back in time and change?

Relationships

How does your team of “co-workers in parenting” does?

It’s tough, isn’t it? Full of unexpected turns? The ability to adjust is a must-have in every family relationship.
Read more here: Family relationships

Time management

How to manage “work-family-life balance”? How to allocate enough time for self-care and how to do it without feeling guilty? The time-management issues are causes or symptoms of something else?

Here is my hand.

toxicity is toxic – and is painful

Toxic workplace

Have you ever worked in a toxic workplace? I have.

Interestingly, the problem wasn’t with my colleagues or boss. It was another department with whom we shared the office. It was their culture that made me sick. The tone of the language around me 8 hours a day made me physically unwell: it was too contradictory to my values. Each day I was dragging myself to work with a knot in my stomach, feeling nauseous, hoping one day somehow it would turn better.

Then I realised I couldn’t change them. And I didn’t want to give up my values.

It has become my shortest job.

Toxic positivity

There is no healing without seeing and acknowledging the bad stuff.

Therefore, seeing only the positive means denying the truth. It is hurtful.

However, I would be careful to call out someone’s toxic positivity.

They might be using it to soothe their own pain. I have been there. I had times in my life when clinging to looking at the “bright side of life” was the key to my emotional survival. It wasn’t others telling me, but I was telling myself.

Read more here: emotional abuse impacts our physical health

Here is my hand.

Family relationships

Relationships within a family is a tricky thing.

Especially if it’s loaded with parenting.

For a first look, it seems to be pretty easy: an equal partnership between the spouses (“co-workers”) and parents guiding their children (kind of “leader – subordinate”).

However, as time passes by, children are growing, both types of relationships need to adjust to changes occurring.

First of all, we all change over time, at least a bit. So, our partner likely needs to adjust to us, just as we need to change to fit them. Also, the challenges as a team of co-workers in parenting we face, well, let’s say, might get more unpredictable as our children grow into their teenage years. It means that our usual problem-solving methods might not work anymore, i.e. we need to change.

Secondly, as our children grow, we try to give them more choices to make and through this, they can learn to make decisions and bear consequences.

We must never forget,

the day will come when they leave to have their own life, even their own family.

We cannot stay forever beside them and make all the decisions for them like when they were toddlers. We should not even think of that. The best we can do is to nurture them up to be responsible adults. And then let them go. Although they are forever in our hearts, only temporary guests in our home. Even if temporary, in this case, means two decades 😊.

Thirdly, our relationship with our parents is changing. First, we left their home. Whether they let us go or still cling to us, we need to find our place. Having a spouse likely challenges the connection with our parents. Now there is another person in our lives we listen to. Some parents can get pretty upset about losing control over their children’s lives. Then, when our children are born, our parents become grandparents. And it can open up another Pandora’s box over parenting (ours vs theirs and who knows it better), boundaries (they’re first and foremost are OUR children, and, by the way, our parents’ grandchildren), and a lot of other unexpected issues. Not every grandparent is an angel. Unfortunately, some would love to control our family.

Drawing that firm line in the sand can be a real emotional struggle for us. Those couples who stick together in it, I believe, are more likely to succeed. And it is another challenge to their relationship as a couple.

How does your “co-worker team in parenting” cope with it?

Here is my hand.

#lifecoaching #change #family #relationships #parenting #boundaries #life-coach-andrea

Fear

What is fear?

Fear might be described as a feeling that switches on our fight/flight/freeze mode to facilitate survival. It is an essential, healthy response to a threat. At least it is supposed to be.

But there are times when our response, because of the continuously ongoing threat, becomes constant. Then it is unhealthy. Our body is not supposed to be on continuous alert.

Unfortunately, still, certain situations seem to be a never-ceasing threat to us. And many times, these situations are created by people.

Our brain can be conditioned. The memories of stresses, traumas, and the response we gave, are all stored in our minds. When a new threat arises, our response stems from our unconscious mind. We react in a way that worked in the past. The problem is, these reactions can be very unhealthy for us. However, if we want to change them, we must first recognise, then rewrite them.

Why do people create situations where we are made fearful?

They want control.

They want to control (us). By creating fear, eventually, they gain control.

Fear intimidates. Fear pushes us to survival mode. This switch takes away our capability to assess the situation and find an alternative response because it turns off our (critical) thinking, so our reaction is uncontrolled.

How can people create fear around us?

Maybe a boss yelling at you while you feel like shrinking, becoming smaller and smaller? The feeling of hopelessness and having no control at all? Or a parent, a relative, or even a friend? Who makes you feel you are nothing, useless, treating you like a piece of garbage?

Do you know why they do it?

Yes, it is about power. And control is power.

But you do not need to be stuck there.

Get unstuck!

It is possible to rewrite those reactions.

I did.

 

Here is my hand.