Home » Posts tagged 'resilience' (Page 2)
Tag Archives: resilience
Resilience journey #5 – forgiveness is a choice, i.e. who’s holding the steering wheel to change?
Talking about teenagers and our resilience journey, I started to think whether there is any benefit in continually reprimanding them for their bad choices when they are already aware of the fact they have “screwed up”.
Shouldn’t we change how we react?
Things we learnt in our childhood are sitting deep in our subconscious, determining our instant reactions as parents.
I am talking about how our parents reacted to us – and most of the time we pull out the same patterns with our children.
How many times do we hear our mother/father talking to our children through our mouth?
Furthermore, how our parents treated each other has an impact on our instinctive reactions to our spouse. There is no magic in it: we use the learnt behavioural patterns, until we consciously re-write them.
Why is it worth putting time and effort into something like this? We have already started when choosing to love, and acting accordingly, haven’t we?
To get from A to B we need to start with recognition:
realizing and admitting we need to change.
Unfortunately, we cannot do much without looking in the mirror and acknowledging our issues.
I think one of the most heart-breaking revelations is seeing our older child treating the younger one in a way our parents used to treat us, the way we have said we would never ever act.
Well, how has the child learnt this, if not from us?
However the painful realisation comes, we need humility to deal with it in a positive way. When we analyse our behaviour and can spot the triggering factors, we can create a plan to establish a new reaction. Having true friends around who can provide honest feedback can be quite beneficial. Many times just sharing our discoveries with someone trustworthy helps to find the solution when we describe it (either verbally or written). The further we step back from it, the bigger picture we get:
The easiest way to get out of a maze is to fly above it.
Figuring the way out, making the map and using it to reach the end. Once we can see our problems from a higher perspective we can identify more contributing factors and can have a better established response to deal with the situation.
Why is it us (always us!) who needs to put effort into these connections and relationships?
Well, if we don’t act, who will? Who else can change the outcome if not us?
There are things in life we have absolutely no control over. Nothing we can do will change these things happening. But the determining factors of the outcome are our own reactions to these things.
And it is resilience!
As long as we give the same reaction to the same issue the outcome will remain the same: no change has happened in the equation.
If we want change in the outcome we need to intervene in the one and only part which we have control over: our reaction.
We need to re-wire how we act through re-writing how we think.
As our innate reactions are rooted in our subconscious, we have to really push the new “how to” to replace the existing patterns.
It starts with declaration – as we made our choice to love, we need to hang onto it, even in the midst of turmoil. If we keep repeating “but I have declared I love” it will make us pause before we act, realising in our subconscious there is some contradiction between how we are about to act vs what we declare.
Pausing enables us to use the new reaction we have found, or simply gives us space and time to come up with an alternative response.
Either way we successfully changed one factor in the equation, so we can expect a modified outcome.
Here is my hand.
Resilience journey #4 – love is not a feeling, it is a choice
I think there is a huge misconception in our heads about love.
This might be one of the root issues from the topics discussed earlier. Some of us might have been brought up having to earn the love of our parents.
We had to prove we are worthy of their love.
We had to act in a particular way to gain their affirmation. Often refraining from acting in a particular way produced no positive feedback because “not doing that” was the expected behaviour. Picking up all the errors and neglecting any improvement, saying that the level reached is “the norm” so there is nothing to praise – won’t have contributed to developing a positive self-image.
The pattern seems to be painfully familiar:
being loved for what we did, not for who we were, leading us to embrace what we are instead of who we are.
It ended up rooting our identity in the what, because we missed out on the experience to be unconditionally loved for who we are.
The beauty of being grown up is that now we have a choice: we can say it is not good enough for us, so we want to change.
We want to discover and rely on, who we are, but where to start?
We tend to think of love as a feeling: we love our spouse when they act in a nice way – bring us flowers, a book, makes dinner, picks up the kids –, but dislike them (or should we rather honestly say “hate”?) when they disagree with us, doesn’t do what they promised, had a bad day and their tone is not the nicest.
When we act like this, we are falling into the same trap: we love them for what they do.
And isn’t it easier to love our kids when they act in a nice manner rather than having a tantrum?
However difficult it seems, even impossible, we need to learn how to love them when they are having their tantrums. Again,
love does not mean the lack of healthy boundaries nor the affirmation of their behaviour.
So what is love?
Love is a choice.
Our choice.
Simple as it is.
We make a decision to love – our children, spouse, colleagues, boss, janitor, parents – and we stick to our choice.
It won’t come easily, it will take time to redefine our reactions until the new ones become the norm. Also, redesigning one reaction does not mean the automatic reshaping of our reactions for other situations, but the more we reconfigure the easier it will be. And in the meantime, we need to learn how to address our disapproval of certain acts. Which is another big chunk of sweaty work. So why would we bother with all this?
Well, there are two main reasons: us and them.
For them it would mean
they start experiencing being loved for who they are.
Not what they have or what they do, but simply who they are. And whether it is a close relative or even a stranger, it might start reshaping how they think of themselves.
It might trigger questions in them:
- Is it really possible that someone loves me despite how I act? Despite how despicable I am?
- Maybe there is more about me than my position?
- What has someone spotted in me that makes them believe I am valuable?
- Am I really worthy of love? How can it be?
They might even start a journey of re-establishing their identity on the ‘who’ instead of the ‘what’.
We cannot deny, humans are subjects of self-centredness 😉 so what are our benefits in all this?
First of all we step on a life-long journey of personal development.
We learn that we are capable of more than we think,
we have control over our behaviour.
We will slowly change in other areas as well, as our decision to love sneaks into our subconscious and starts its work there. As our perceptions and attitudes are gently altered, we change.
Our actions, tones, words chosen, start softening and this
triggers change in others around us.
They may get an unusual response from us which would likely make them stop and think – whether they re-think their own actions or analyse the change in us, it pulls them out of the recurring pattern of interactions. Their reactions start to alter.
And one day, out of the blue,
we realise that we do feel love for our child in the midst of their tantrum.
We empathise with them as we remember feeling as confused and hopeless as they might feel now, and we just simply leave them alone.
It is their battle with themselves.
And when our teen emerges later, pretending like nothing has happened, we know that our message has come through. Their silence is a form of acceptance and affirmation – of the rules and boundaries we, as parents, set up for their benefit.
They would not be afraid of doing the same to defend themselves.
Here is my hand.
Resilience journey #3 – what is unconditional love?
Resilience also means discerning information.
I have heard recently in an interview with an HR person – speaking briefly about the origins of narcissism – that unconditional love (as with neglect) can lead to a child becoming narcissist. My eyebrows lifted into question marks, but as they kept talking I quickly realized where their argument went all wrong.
They made a tally between unconditional love and spoiling children. By spoiling they meant buying and giving everything to a child that they want.
It seemed for me unconditional love is often misunderstood, so I think it is worth defining it so we can avoid later confusions.
In a nutshell I see unconditional love as loving someone regardless of their actions.
Loving unconditionally means we love them for who they are, while we can still strongly disagree with what they do.
Loving the person and not affirming their actions are not mutually exclusive. It is part of resilience.
This is how parents should treat their children. Loving them to bits but not approving of or affirming their bad behaviour or wrongful actions.
No question, it means a lot of confrontation – but this is how children learn how to handle disagreements, how to set up and keep boundaries.
They do not do what we parents say, but they do as we do.
We are being watched all the time by them, and
they learn how to live life by examining the concordances and discrepancies between our speeches and our acts.
They learn what is important and what is not, whether we do as we say, or not. I see this as a huge responsibility of adults – not only of parents, but aunts and uncles, grandparents, teachers, and coaches.
More importantly, this is when and where the children develop a solid inner foundation of their identity, which they can rely on when facing challenges.
This is when
they learn they have the right to say no.
They’ll learn it also means having the option of walking away from any situation they feel is uncomfortable, and that others’ opinions about them are not necessarily objective reflections.
This is the time when children
develop their identity of “who I am”,
so we can save them the hard part of re-establishing themselves from “what I am” to “who I am” in their later years. It is a gradual process, the older they get the more they should start setting up their own boundaries, so they can practice protecting themselves – physically and mentally.
So by the time they step out into “life” they have learnt to say no and not be afraid to stick to it, or be shaken to the core by any negative feedback, and hopefully identifying attempts of manipulation and dodge them – because they have carefully set up their boundaries.
Boundaries are essential parts of life.
If we do not have any boundaries, at the right distance, or firm enough, we easily take on undesirable impacts from outside which can cause huge damage to us.
How to reconcile love with boundaries?
Just think of parenting – if a child faces no boundaries in their upbringing how hard will they find life, which is full of them, e.g. what age one can start driving and under what conditions, having a job means getting to work on time, not when it suits, respecting others, obeying police officers, and countless other situations.
I strongly believe a child brought up without being taught about boundaries is yet to experience true love.
So reflecting on the topic at the start of this article, unconditional love does not mean the lack of boundaries.
Love without boundaries is not love.
Here is my hand.
Resilience journey #2 – why have they stayed – beside ME?
The more we get to know ourselves on the resilience journey, the more challenging it can be looking at the mirror.
There are times we’d like to spit at the person we see there because he/she screwed up, hurt others, was mean to those he/she loves the most, lied, cheated, gossiped… we can lengthen the list with multitudes of wrongdoings.
Still, there are (a few) who are looking beyond our shortcomings. How can they do that?
First of all
they are aware that they are no better than us.
So there is no reason why they should position themselves above us in any way. Like us, they have their own and have made countless mistakes. They also know they would fail again, sooner or later.
It does not matter what issues they have, the emphasis is on the act of screwing it up.
What is the difference then between us and them?
They have overcome the constant struggle with guilt, resentment, condemnation.
They understood the rule: we all screw up, no one is an exception. But that is not the end: they recognise, seek restoration and reconciliation, ask for forgiveness and forgive, then move on, leaving the whole thing behind.
They know that even when they do their best, they will fall again – but they know how to deal with it.
What is the key to their approach?
They have learnt some skills they can utilize when things go wrong. They admit they are not perfect, can have bad days, can wake up grumpy, life can severely hit them as well – but they look at it with an expectation of overcoming and with the knowledge of having
control over their own attitudes and actions.
So why are they beside us on our resilience journey?
Because they have been through stuff.
They know what it is like – even though they cannot fully understand our situation.
They have already fought through the feelings of desperation, hopelessness, rejection, doubt, being lost.
They also remember how much it meant to them that someone was there and they could pour their heart out to them.
They could share their struggles with someone who listened – without judgment,
without telling them what they should, or shouldn’t have done. Their listeners were not aiming to fix their lives but gently leading them to arrive at a better understanding both of the consequences of their earlier actions and figuring out how to survive the actual situation step by step. Due to that successful understanding they can be here for us: to help us to figure out what’s next and how to prevent the same situation again.
Neither by fixing our current situation nor fixing us, but providing us with support, a hand to grab, an arm to hang onto when we pull ourselves up.
And they remember it is hard and painful work, that’s why their words of encouragement sound valid:
they do not deny the hardship but themselves represent a positive outcome.
They are living proof of the “possible”.
They have been through their own resilience journey.
What gave them power to achieve all this? I believe one key factor is admitting that we have flaws and failures.
We cannot fight “something”, but we can fight “the thing” – we must name it. Otherwise we are just throwing arrows into a big forest without targeting anything in particular. What is the chance of hitting a target if we hunt that way?
Unfortunately, these days taking responsibility and disclosing our own mistakes is seen as weakness.
However, standing alone in front of that mirror first, then amongst others, and acknowledging we are not superheroes and we need support is indeed a picture of strength.
We dare to speak out and declare we want to do it better. We are brave enough to ask for help.
Those friends who stayed with us in the turmoil will be our helpers, and others might join in later – as
we re-build our lives and discover step by step who we are.
Shaking off the fake postures, social positions, while finding the true meaning of our lives.
And over time we will find out what our true friends already know: we are worthy of love.
Together with all of our cracks and brokenness, we are worthy.
And once we can grab that, we will have the knowledge, deep enough, inside of us, to be sure of who we are.
Here is my hand.
Resilience journey #1 – what we are or who we are?
Let’s start our journey to resilience with the foundations: our identity.
How do we typically define our identity? Where are its roots: is it in the ‘what’ or in the ‘who’?
Are we the ‘what’ we are or are we the ‘who’ we are?
The answer that usually comes up when asked the question “Who are you” is something like: I …
- am a father/mother/single man/woman,
- am a cashier/hairdresser/accountant/CEO/unemployed, and
- have a PhD/haven’t even finished high school/BA/trades.
For more detail we tend to add something like …
I love reading/movies/dancing/tramping/travelling and if we want to be very precise, we talk about our future plans.
We feel content because we thoroughly described ourselves to the questioner. Our roles, our positions, achievements, the direction of our professional journey, maybe even some of our personal details.
So, what we described is what we do. We have successfully defined what we are. But this is not who we are.
This is important because
the roles we fulfil are not anchors that could hold us firmly when life hits.
When we identify ourselves by what we are and what we do, and these get shaken or diminished, what will we do? What can we hang onto? What, or who, will keep us afloat?
We can turn to our friends for support, at least at first.
When people like us for what we are, they don’t like us for who we are, they like what we have.
When we are loved for what we are, where will our friends be when we fall? Who will leave first? And will anyone stay? They love the picture we show of ourselves, not who we really are.
Wait a minute!
Do we show a picture of ourselves?
Yes, we do, all the time. And depending on what this picture is based upon creates a great reflection of how we identify ourselves.
When we look at advertisements, often the main figure is holding a brand new / super / fascinating product and is surrounded by cheering friends.
What does this picture suggest? The friends are fascinated about what that person has. Where can this flow lead us in the unconscious?
If I am going to have the newest / biggest / dearest ‘thing’ my friends are going to surround me, cheer with me, love me. Is this true? Yes, partially it is, they will cheer. However, it is very likely they will cheer for what we have, for what we are – not for who we are.
And at the very moment we need to give up or lose the possession of the ‘thing’ for any reason (lost job, starting a family, health issues) our status in their eyes will more than likely drop. So we will be seen as less desirable, and someone else will turn up with the brand new ‘stuff’ and our friends will cheer for them – not for us.
Why? Because they liked us and connected to us for what we are, or more precisely, for what we used to be.
But why is it so important for us to have all this positive feedback and why does it hurt so much and shake us to the core when these are gone?
When we define ourselves based upon the feedback we get from others, it not only creates a false picture but also a delicate one. Delicate in a way that when our outside supporters (positive feedbacks) are withdrawn we just collapse. There is nothing inside to sustain us. It is false because it is about our ‘what’ not the ‘who’, and when we lose status, we lose the what.
So, what can we do about it?
We must find out who we are.
When we understand our core values and start filtering the world through them, we will find that life can hit us but cannot destroy us.
Bullets still will be fired at us, but we will be able to dodge them: they cannot tear us down by breaking our outside supports, because we have a keel inside.
We have become like a self-righting toy – we are pushed to the ground but bounce back to an upright position. Because now we identify ourselves from the inside out, built on firm ground.
And what about our friends?
Well, we should let go those who left us, and take a look around: there might be a very few who stayed. Who are they?
They are likely to be the ones we have noticed the least; who asked (unpleasant) questions in a very quiet voice – questions which were easy to ignore and dismiss. Their questions made us quite uncomfortable, as they pointed to some of our issues. But why did they stay?
Because
they are the ones who loved us for who we are.
They looked beyond the ‘what’ and saw something in us that was unknown even to ourselves: they saw the hidden treasure in us.
But why then did they ask those painful questions?
Because
a true friend does not say what we want to hear, they say what we need to hear. Even if it hurts.
Who are those friends of yours? And who are you?
Here is my hand.
Here is my hand.