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respectfully responding
Are you a respectful person? ❤️
💙Always?
💙At all times?
💙With everyone?
💜I am not. 💜
Yes, I do sometimes cross that line.
Raise my voice a little bit. Or change my tone.
💛Sometimes I find it hard to respectfully say no. Especially when the other person doesn’t take no for an answer.
💓I have found that it is much harder to stay respectful when I’m frustrated. Why?
Because respect requires emotional regulation. 💞
A good one. A very good one.
⁉️Just think of treating a person with respect who has just put a knife in our back or called us names.
💘We need to keep our composure to give a respectful response.
💙Otherwise, we can quickly find ourselves down on their level of conduct.
💖Furthermore, respect is handy when it is about clearing up disagreements or misunderstandings.
💞Because if we lash out at the first instance, there will be little room for clarification and reconciliation.
💛How is it going for you?
Here is my hand.
can women be abusers?
Without belittling the violence suffered by women at the hands of men,
women can be abusers too
so there are men out there abused by women.
The set-up is similar, although women mostly seem to use manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse.
At least that’s what I’ve spotted so far.
In addition, I think a man is much less likely to open up to anyone and ask for help.
And let’s not forget that believing that a woman/mother can be abusive is much harder. Perhaps because subconsciously she is assigned the role of the “primary protector“?
Whatever the set-up is, we can help an abused person by simply
listening to them without doubt or judgement.
Because only they can decide what their next step will be.
Abuse can be verbal and emotional, not just physical.
And while a slap hurts physically, I’d liken
emotional abuse to poison slowly dripping over a long time.
It takes a lot of time to notice it, but also to acknowledge it afterwards. Although there is no physical trace or contact, it is still just as destructive.
It’s invisible, destroying the other person from within.
What if we are less likely to see a woman as an abuser because she is the “weaker sex”. Is that perhaps why we often turn a blind eye?
And it is not only men who suffer from such a woman, but also her children.
It can take a lifetime to heal from the devastation caused by such a mother if you even dare to face the reality of your childhood.
I salute all who stepped up to break the family pattern.
Here is my hand.
time to show respect – honor other’s boundaries
❓What is disrespect?
Yeah, another tricky question, I know.
The easy answer is that it is the opposite ↔️of respect. I.e. what should be respected is not.
🍭We often think of respect as something to be given to somebody. Respecting our parents, teachers, leaders, and bosses.
💜Parents, you should treat your children with respect, too! 💜
And there is more, such as respecting nature, for example, by not polluting it.
💜But even respecting others has multiple facets. Because respect does not only means speaking to them in an appropriate manner and not looking down on them.
The term respect is also related to boundaries – something I have talked a lot about. Such as the importance of setting healthy boundaries and the art of maintaining them.
💜And how respect comes in?
When others are to respect our boundaries. ⚠️Unfortunately, many times the proper word is “should”. Because they fail to do so.
And what kind of boundaries are there in personal relationships?
Well, there are plentiful of them. 💜
The most obvious is physical boundaries.
💜Don’t hug somebody if they don’t want it.
💜Respect different cultures by showing their way of greeting, such as bowing your head instead of shaking hands.
But there is a less obvious one, we fall short of many times.
And it is time.⏰
❤️The most precious resource of a person.
❤️A strictly limited one.
❤️Especially since no one knows how much they have left. So be mindful of that.
And respect it.
Here is my hand.
what is your worth?
💜 What is your worth? 💜
Have you ever pondered about it?
💛 Is it the sum of the wealth you own? Or – financially speaking – the net present value of all your future income? Can it be expressed in financial terms at all?
💙 Or is it about connections? Your connections – but with whom? With your spouse, children, friends, co-workers, authority figures and subordinates in your life?
💛 Or is it your relationship with nature? How much respect for it do you have and show?
❤️ Or should we add your relationship with yourself? How the two of you are getting on? You and You?
💞Do you feel that you deserve to be loved? That you are worthy of love? Or at least do you believe it?
💙Or maybe you are still in doubt if you could ever earn the true, unconditional love of someone.
💖Let me whisper some truth into your ears: you do. You are worthy. You deserve to be loved. You do not need to earn it. Just receive it.
💜Unbelievable? I guess so. Not long ago, I was where you are now. I was scared to receive it. I was afraid to believe.
💛But over time, I came to believe it and then receive it. And it changed me – for the better.
❤️Would you too?
Here is my hand.
remorse has incredible power
💜Let’s talk about remorse. 💜
👀Funny word, isn’t it? 👀
❗️But an important one. ❗️
💞It goes – or I should rather say it should go – hand in hand with an apology. 💞
❤️Remorse means I am sorry for what I have done or what I should have done but failed to do. 💔It requires us to put ourselves into the other person’s perspective. 💗See things from their point of view. 💙To do our best to understand how they feel – how we made them feel. 💘
💕Empathize with them. Acknowledge that we – hopefully unwantedly – hurt them. 💔
☑️No, I did not forget that I also talked a lot about everyone’s being responsible for their own feelings.
💛Still, we can – we should – apologize when we accidentally hurt someone. 💛
🎶I have long wondered about how to reconcile these two seemingly contradictory approaches. 🎶
⁉️I believe the key is humility. Another painful word, I know. ❕
🔎Because when we apologize and show genuine remorse, we humbly acknowledge we did something hurtful. 👑We are lowering ourselves from a pedestal of “I am right” to see and value the differences and incompleteness of others – and of ourselves. 🔍
♥️Remorse means that even if we cannot understand why our actions were hurtful, we take responsibility for them and seek reconciliation. ♥️And it is for the other party to accept it or not. We did our part – if it was genuine. ✔️
❔And why is that important? ❔
⛔️Because a mere “I’m sorry” without remorse is just a string of shallow words. ⛔️
🌒”I’m sorry” without changed behaviour is just a superficial coating on the picture we wish to paint about ourselves to the world. 🌑
💜A true “I’m sorry” carries the power to bring us closer. 💜
Here is my hand.
being brave can be frightening
💜 The idea of being brave and courageous can be frightening. 💙 Why?
💛 Not only because we have to deal with the other person’s response, especially when we are about to say no to someone for the first time. We also need to face and conquer our inner uncertainty. 😱 Because we might feel we do not have the right to say no. 😱
🌜 It might seem like a war on two fronts. 🌛
💥 We not only don’t know how they will react, but we also don’t know how we will respond to their reactions. 🔥
⛄️ Although we can replay the situation a hundred times in our head – which, if we do it right, can eventually help a little – we don’t know how it will turn out until we do it. 💦
✔️ The first time may not be perfect. It probably won’t be. But we dared! 👍
we were brave
While next time, it will be a little easier – at least it won’t be the first time – so we can focus more on the how. What we say, how we say it, what emotions struck us inside and how we can manage those. 🌗
🌝 And over time, with practice, it gets easier. We will get used to different reactions and build up our own toolbox of responses. ☔️
❄️ We will also learn to manage our inner fear of standing up for ourselves. 🌞
💜Believe me or not, it’s scary to stand up for ourselves. Especially when we were taught never to complain, just accept what is and move on. 💛
❤️You know what?
❤️It’s worth it being brave. Because in the end, you learn how to find the ground to ensure that you have a truly free choice. ⁉️
🤗Are you keen to get there?
Here is my hand.
self-care is not egoism
Self-care is not egoism, even if it seems to be. ⁉️
Self-care is a balance between egoism and altruism. 🌞
From an altruist’s point of view, however, both fall into the same category.
❓Why?
Because for an altruist, self-care means not always caring for others. And this is true. What altruists probably do not realize is that not looking after themselves means trading long-term services to others for short-term ones.
‼️We cannot give from what we do not have. Therefore, caring for ourselves – while looking after others, perhaps a little less – is not egoism. It is the way that allows us to serve others for longer, in better physical, emotional, and mental health.
So, focusing on others a little less enables us to focus on them for longer. Therefore,
our self-care means short-term pain and long-term gain for those we serve. 🌞
😥Painful thought? I think it is. It was painful for me too.
I fought it for a long time. But eventually, I had to give in to the logic of self-care.
😱 Does self-care sound scary? Selfish? Disgusting? Does it feel like you’re going against your value of “serving only others until your last breath”?
I have a question for you.
❓Can you serve more if that last breath comes later in life?
Would you consider that thought?
🤗Let’s discuss it and find your way to your own personalized self-care plan!
Here is my hand.
Life coaching 101: Parenting
What parenting has to do with life coaching?
A lot, indeed.
Let’s check out some areas where life coaching can make a difference in your life as a parent.
Personal development
Parenting opens up a whole new universe 😊 Skills we never thought we have we are using, and phrases we swore a thousand times we would never say slip our lips. Yepp. Parenting can be a continuous personal development journey if we are keen. It cannot work without self-awareness and self-reflection. And while we sometimes feel like failures, we can hold on to the journey we have already passed since we have started.
Leadership effectiveness
Parenting might be one of the most challenging leadership roles we ever fill while the most rewarding. Seeing our children navigate life with skills we helped develop can bring tears into our eyes and joy into our hearts. Also, this is the role in which we must learn to manage our emotions, walking away from emotionally heated arguments, and keep our mouths shut.
Conflict resolution
As our children grow, they are more and more keep testing the boundaries. And each time, we find ourselves in a conflict. How are your conflict resolution skills? What has been your best win-win with them? Which one was that left you with the most horrible feelings? Which one is the one you wish you could travel back in time and change?
Relationships
How does your team of “co-workers in parenting” does?
It’s tough, isn’t it? Full of unexpected turns? The ability to adjust is a must-have in every family relationship.
Read more here: Family relationships
Time management
How to manage “work-family-life balance”? How to allocate enough time for self-care and how to do it without feeling guilty? The time-management issues are causes or symptoms of something else?
Here is my hand.
toxicity is toxic – and is painful
Toxic workplace
Have you ever worked in a toxic workplace? I have.
Interestingly, the problem wasn’t with my colleagues or boss. It was another department with whom we shared the office. It was their culture that made me sick. The tone of the language around me 8 hours a day made me physically unwell: it was too contradictory to my values. Each day I was dragging myself to work with a knot in my stomach, feeling nauseous, hoping one day somehow it would turn better.
Then I realised I couldn’t change them. And I didn’t want to give up my values.
It has become my shortest job.
Toxic positivity
There is no healing without seeing and acknowledging the bad stuff.
Therefore, seeing only the positive means denying the truth. It is hurtful.
However, I would be careful to call out someone’s toxic positivity.
They might be using it to soothe their own pain. I have been there. I had times in my life when clinging to looking at the “bright side of life” was the key to my emotional survival. It wasn’t others telling me, but I was telling myself.
Read more here: emotional abuse impacts our physical health
Here is my hand.
emotional abuse impacts our physical health
Emotional abuse impacts our physical health
“There’s a problem we must talk about.” and I was about to collapse. I couldn’t imagine what I could have done wrong.
Childhood patterns emerged from my subconscious.
Leaving a toxic person, unless we’re well-grounded inside, is far from easy. However, there are occasions when it is simply impossible. For example, when that abusive, toxic person is our parent.
The extra problem with it is that as children, we cannot recognise and connect the dots. Also, how we handle the emotional abuse when we grow into it is shaped by what we see from others. At least, this is my observation. I wasn’t lucky. My “role model” who showed me how to handle emotional abuse was a fully submissive one. Therefore, I had a pattern of giving in to the abuser to follow. While inside, I felt it wasn’t all right at all. I knew something was off but couldn’t understand it. And I was unable to handle the controversy – how the heck to I dare to question both my parents -, and the abuse itself.
My body was honest. Now I can see. Stomach aches and nausea every morning when I had to go to school. The feeling of inadequacy, that whatever I do, I cannot be good enough. I cannot be good enough, neither for them nor anyone else. Nausea still sometimes knocks on my door when I find myself in similar thinking and emotional patterns.
My body was honest. My mind was rationalising, “they are my parent and always (must be) right”. Then there were others, those who said “it’s just simply how they are” and “this is how they show their love”. And of course, there was barely anyone who believed how they indeed acted and behaved behind closed doors. It was unimaginable for those who only see their “nice face”, never the rage, the belittling and deliberately hurtful words.
My body was honest. Three times I was signed up for appendicitis surgery. I was presenting all the symptoms but having perfect blood results. Thanks to all the doctors how did not make the surgery. However, I was still rationalising: “I must be too sensitive, unable to handle stress”, blaming myself for not handling it all well.
It wasn’t my fault. Now I know. Abuse is never ok.
My body was honest. And still, it is. After a long healing journey, now I am mostly able to handle stress without switching into fight/flight/freeze mode. Mostly.
Last Thursday I was told, “There’s a problem we must talk about.” I thought I would collapse then and there in severe humiliation and immediately started questioning myself and him what I had done wrong? The instincts from my childhood kicked in. Which shows I am not as ok as I would like to be. Especially that he was joking, just like he had done many previous times. I still got scared that day.
My body was honest last Thursday.
Listen to your body!
Emotional abuse impacts our physical health.
Here is my hand.